BONJOUR

i feel empty.

Empty in a way that I'm still on a perpetual journey of finding all the things that would fill up this chasm inside me. I always think; maybe too much than the usual. There are things I want to do yet I can't find the right time to accomplish it, let alone make myself do it. I have goals. Goals which would require my utmost creativity and willingness: and I know that it is something I would enjoy. Something that would help fill up the chasm that's starting to get bigger and bigger as I let each idea pass. 

Why am I feeling this way? Maybe because I expect too much from myself and feel different disappointed, every time I miss doing something. 

Maybe I'm too much of an idealist. I set too much for myself.

I don't know. 

But there's one thing that I extremely want to do right now. 

make films.

I miss making films so bad. I miss feeling the rush I get whenever something inspires me. As the idea travels across me, I want to do it badly, so badly. 

But I know I cannot.

{also, I'm starting this thing wherein I'm going to read a new book every week. Right now, I'm reading Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins}

P.S. I'm extremely sorry if my posts are like this, I don't even know why I find comfort in writing such.

I'll see you next week, or soon. 

I don't know.

As I write this, I am being sucked into a void of my emotions - a place I am uncertain of yet I can feel it dearly.

The past days include almost sleepless nights, examinations, longing, doubt, and insecurity. I know I shouldn't be writing this. Not in this place, but somewhere else. 

I cannot help it. I need to release forget all this now.

There's nothing to be stressed about, really. 

They're just exams. 

But something's always bothering me. A slither of coldness and numbness travels around my body, freezing everything as it passes my veins, as it reaches my fingertips. I don't know what it is. It's bothering me. It's creating a deep hollow inside me, waiting to be filled and satisfied. A monster. 

I always find myself thinking: how would I defeat this monster?

He's making me feel the things I would want to feel the least. 

doubt, insecurity, the feeling of being secluded.

He's being successful in bringing out the worst in me, so far. 

I would always find myself on the edge of crying. Exhaustion. Desperation, sometimes.

Being desperate in a way that I am in a great need of something that would save me from this monster inside me. Something that would make it go away. Make it leave die.

I don't want to leave home, let alone the comforts of my bed.

I would always have to drag and make myself move. I have school. 

But this monster isn't making me drift away from my priorities, of course.

I've gotten used to controlling it, saying "no" to it.

Maybe the monster got inside me just because it wants to leave a message:

"Here I am. I am ready to travel within you, eat you up slowly, destroy you, especially your emotions. But you know why I'm here, right? Fight me. Think of every possible way to make me go away. Trust me, young one, I don't want to do this. It's up to you whether you let me sink deeper in your soul until you're completely gone. I know you're brave, you can do this. I'd rather die and be peacefully gone than to stay inside you and make you feel this way. You are better than what you are now."