I am aware of my very long absence from posting. It is good and bad at the same time.
Good: I don't have to cram onto thinking ideas that will be turned into a blog post. (no one reads my posts anyway)
Bad: a good way to vent out my feelings had been taken away. The past months had tested me so much and it is a good thing that I still haven't done something too insane.
Now, I am standing between the line of being okay and being not okay.
There's a greater chance that I'll fall into the side of being not okay.
The past months were some of the greatest months I've had.
However, things happened and up until now, it whispers behind my ears.
I have met new friends and lost a few.
I've had great experiences with the most wonderful people and had the worst, too.
I am not writing this so you'll feel pity towards me. I do not care about what you think at all.
Everything is subjective.
Stop relying on the standards in order to point out what a person's feelings are.
Tears had been a normal thing lately.
Sadness had been a normal thing lately.
Stress had been a normal thing lately.
Depression had been a normal thing lately.
Solitude has become more frequent lately.
Bewilderment has become more frequent, too.
I am torn. So torn.
I still wonder how I'm surviving until now, with all the things that are happening to me.
Sleeping is not a thing for me anymore. I start each day with only a few hours of rest.
Those precious few hours where I can lose myself in the vast blank space and everything will be forgotten even just for a while. If only I can stay in that space forever, with all the things I aspire and live in my dreams, I would. I would stay and never return this hell pit again. Never.
Everything has been wearing me out and trust me, there are only less than 3-5 persons whom I can tell everything to. I want to go farther on all these but I cannot.
There are times wherein you meet people and think they will be there until the end. No, you're wrong. That's just an ideal situation you've probably watched from cheesy movies and shows. No one will stay with you until the end - no matter how many times they've told you they will. We are finite, and so are the things around us.
I am not bringing you down.
Yourself - it is the only thing that will either heal your wounds or break you.
At the end of the day, it is the only thing that can save you.
Because when everything that has built you up suddenly starts falling down, you are left with yourself.
You have to stand strong and deal with everything.
Cliche as it may get but:
those are just bad experiences and you should try to look more into the good ones.
even that hot of coffee you had to remove the coldness you feel.
even that smile from a stranger.
even that note you found on your table.
The best thing to be thankful for is you still got to open your eyelids and get the chance to see everything that is set for you to explore. You still have another day to make everything okay.
Trust me, everything I am saying here is only a portion of what I'm doing. I, myself, can't still see the good bits in everything. I still choose to built holes within me and let every bad thing attach itself and destroy me.
Being okay is something I am working on.
I hope I will be soon.
I am a walking disaster.
I will leave you devastated if ever I happen to be with you.
I am a walking disaster.
If only I can make myself disappear
to stop hurting
destroying
and making everything bad,
I WILL.
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