BONJOUR

I am aware of my very long absence from posting. It is good and bad at the same time. 

Good: I don't have to cram onto thinking ideas that will be turned into a blog post. (no one reads my posts anyway)

Bad: a good way to vent out my feelings had been taken away. The past months had tested me so much and it is a good thing that I still haven't done something too insane. 

Now, I am standing between the line of being okay and being not okay. 

There's  a greater chance that I'll fall into the side of being not okay. 

The past months were some of the greatest months I've had. 

However, things happened and up until now, it whispers behind my ears. 

I have met new friends and lost a few. 

I've had great experiences with the most wonderful people and had the worst, too. 

I am not writing this so you'll feel pity towards me. I do not care about what you think at all. 

Everything is subjective.

Stop relying on the standards in order to point out what a person's feelings are.

Tears had been a normal thing lately. 

Sadness had been a normal thing lately. 

Stress had been a normal thing lately. 

Depression had been a normal thing lately. 

Solitude has become more frequent lately. 

Bewilderment has become more frequent, too. 

I am torn. So torn.

I still wonder how I'm surviving until now, with all the things that are happening to me. 

Sleeping is not a thing for me anymore. I start each day with only a few hours of rest.

Those precious few hours where I can lose myself in the vast blank space and everything will be forgotten even just for a while. If only I can stay in that space forever, with all the things I aspire and live in my dreams, I would. I would stay and never return this hell pit again. Never. 

Everything has been wearing me out and trust me, there are only less than 3-5 persons whom I can tell everything to. I want to go farther on all these but I cannot. 

There are times wherein you meet people and think they will be there until the end. No, you're wrong. That's just an ideal situation you've probably watched from cheesy movies and shows. No one will stay with you until the end - no matter how many times they've told you they will. We are finite, and so are the things around us. 

I am not bringing you down. 

Yourself - it is the only thing that will either heal your wounds or break you.

At the end of the day, it is the only thing that can save you.

Because when everything that has built you up suddenly starts falling down, you are left with yourself.

You have to stand  strong and deal with everything. 

Cliche as it may get but:

those are just bad experiences and you should try to look more into the good ones. 

even that hot of coffee you had to remove the coldness you feel.

even that smile from a stranger.

even that note you found on your table.

The best thing to be thankful for is you still got to open your eyelids and get the chance to see everything that is set for you to explore. You still have another day to make everything okay. 

Trust me, everything I am saying here is only a portion of what I'm doing. I, myself, can't still see the good bits in everything. I still choose to built holes within me and let every bad thing attach itself and destroy me.

Being okay is something I am working on. 

I hope I will be soon.

I am a walking disaster.

I will leave you devastated if ever I happen to be with you.

I am a walking disaster.

If only I can make myself disappear

to stop hurting

destroying

and making everything bad, 

I WILL. 

If something's bothering you and you know to yourself that your peace has been disturbed, seek help from your friends and family members. That sounded very generic but trust me, it's true. It's not healthy that you'll deal with things by your own: you'll be more stressed and the next thing you'll know is that your peace had gone so thin and you just can't bring it back. Speaking of guidance, you also need to seek the help of God. He may not be there physically beside you but know that He's there, with his ears ready to listen. Always pray: you'll be guided and your peace will definitely be back. 

And with that, I'll leave you this song. A song that is one of the choices for our performance in one of my subjects, as our final exam. I really like this song; no more descriptions, just listen to it. :-) 

{a peek inside my journal, perhaps?}

Sometimes always, I still ask myself: why me? Out of all the other girls, why me?

I know someone could love you better than I ever will. someone will understand you better than the way I do. Someone will always be better.

Hello, I’m back, back again. 

For the past few days I’ve been thinking about how everyone stays inside a person’s mind either for just a while, or for a long time. 

Everyday, we meet thousands of people and it is a choice either to let them stay in your life or not. These faces we see, they’re just part of a whole different person - someone who has gone a lot and experienced such great adventures that are yet to be told.

It is inevitable to remember someone’s smile: how his eyes crinkles as his mouth opens up into a wide grin. It is inevitable to remember someone’s modesty: how he clings his arm around you although it is very awkward that it sent thousands of butterflies in your stomach.

These strangers we see, do they even think that you are that great enough that they let you invade their thoughts? Strangers. Blurred personalities. 

Yes, you met for a while but is that person’s memory worth keeping for? Why is it so hard to comprehend this idea? 

Are you processing what I’m trying to say? 

Because at the end of the day, we’re all strangers that are held responsible to continue and go on with our lives. We are all different. Too different that there are times we invade other’s minds. But as what I’ve said, we’ve got to move on. Everyone’s just a memory. It is truly fate if you meet once again. And it is a choice to let them get into you. 

And it is funny to think that in his eyes you're just another person. Someone who isn't worth keeping the memories for.

// more upcoming blog posts. I hope you'll tune in for them

 see you soon, pals. // 

Hello, I'm back; back from the world of hectic school schedules, depression and stress. 

A few hours ago, I got my haircut. There was this guy who talked to me, telling I should come with him, for it's time for my hair to be washed. As he was gently washing my hair, I stared blankly on the wooden wall in front of me, thinking about the guy who was washing my hair. Not in a romantic way, of course. I pondered about his life, although we just knew each other's existence just a few moments ago. Then, the washing period ended; he lead me to the proper chair, combed my hair, and told me to relax. 

Then the time for my hairdresser to cut my hair came. I noticed that as my hairdresser was cutting my hair, the guy who washed my hair stared closely into my hairdresser's work - like it was something sacred and so valuable that he needs to learn. 

The thing is, this guy kept me wondering about him. For now, he's just a person who's assigned for washing peoples' hair on the salon; but one day, he could be one of the leading hairdressers in town. I really pondered about this and how it's connected with our lives. I realized that all of us should start from the bottom and work hard for the thing that we aim. (It's really hard to express and say what I'm really thinking right now, but I'm trying) 

Just like the guy from the salon, he's at the bottom and he's starting to pile up those cement that will make of his stairs - his flight to success. Everyone should have this thing in their mind: the good things in life aren't meant to be yours easily - you should work hard for it. I know this is what everybody says, but just think and try to reflect. This blog post may be too hazy and confusing, but I hope you're getting my point. Have a nice day. 

It's been a couple of weeks since I last made a blog post. I'm really sorry if you've been visiting my blog from time to time and get nothing but old posts. 

Basically, my summer had been spent doing unproductive things, which sucks. I did some fun things though, with my cousin and sister but I still find my summer meaningless. Like, it was just a big break from all the school work, which basically is. I'm sorry, again, if you can't find what my point here is. 

So these are the things that had happened these passed weeks:

A week ago, I found myself looking at old developed photos and literally taking some and posting it on my wall. I took most of the photos that my dad took, from years and years of going around the world. I really envy him. But someday, I'm gonna travel the world too. Here's a preview of my photowall.

These are a collection of photos taken around the world, manips I made, and photos from my childhood. I plan to add more photos, once I finally buy some film. 

Isn’t it amazing to know the fact that there’s someone who’s meant for you? The person who can make your heart flutter a million times yet break it into pieces with just simple actions or words? The odds are inevitable. That person might be half way across the world from you but life just plays with us, you know. Who knows that person you’re meant for was the guy you bumped into while buying coffee? Or the girl that has been the one who motivates you to wake up every morning and go to school just to see her? 

See, there are billions of people in this world but only one is meant for you. A person who might be the exact opposite of you but at some points, you still match. I know this is too early for me to think about this but it just amazes me.