BONJOUR

About a year ago, I have written a blog post with the same title and it's about what's inside my journal. I have been thinking a lot these day and actually, quite a few thoughts have been bothering me now. Well, not bother at all but they just keep me feel queasy and uncomfortable when the time comes where I think of them again. 

About a year ago, I have written a blog post with the same title and it's about what's inside my journal. A year later, this time, I will let you read what's on my mind. 

 I may not be as effective as a writer who gets thousands of readers but it's worth the try! I have two weeks left for school and utilizing my remaining time for something productive, writing, will be a good thing. 

About a year ago,
I have written a blog post

with the same title and

it's about 

what's inside

my mind. 

Now, it's time for 

you to unravel

sink deep

and 

get lost 

in my thoughts.

Letters is a series that will feature all my thoughts and opinions regarding a topic that hits my interest. I will consider this series a sort of journal entry - an electronic one. Since my blog is the electronic version of where I write my of my thoughts, I hope you, as a reader, would somehow relate to what I will be sharing. 

Letters | Vol. 1

Do you ever feel the lack of appreciation? 

Have you ever done so much to attain a goal, accomplish it, yet fail to impress the persons you want to showcase your capabilities to? 

It's hard, my friend. I have felt my fair share of lack of appreciation.This leads to the feeling of inadequacy and self-questioning: am I enough? Are all my efforts not enough? Will I get better? 

Then you push yourself harder. You spend more time rewriting and rereading your notes instead of going out and visiting the other members of your family. You tend to sleep four hours more than your normal sleeping time. You get so competitive in school that not getting the highest score devastates you and makes you judge yourself more. At the end of the day, you become more selfish. You try to be the best, the number one. 

Whenever my friends and I talk, they share stories about how they are being encouraged: a simple "good luck" or "you can do it". Even the acceptance of the extent of their capabilities. Comparing is bad but sometimes, I just can't help it. I become more disappointed with myself. Why do I never get  those? 

Maybe they're just too silent. Maybe they don't want to speak up. Maybe they aren't courageous enough to tell what they actually feel. I still haven't gotten out of the zone where I keep on questioning myself on how to make them proud. I just want to hear them say it. Even just for once. 

I don't know where this letter is leading to and it's becoming hazy. I don't want to share too much of this, things might become bad. 

For those who have reached this part of the letter, I am reminding you one thing: do not be afraid to speak up. It can make someone's day: a simple "thank you" or even a compliment will surely lift things up. If you're afraid to speak, try to tell it in another way. The important thing is you are able to share your feelings or even thoughts. 

As what I've said before, I don't know where this letter is leading to. 

Ah, I've been wearing my earphones without listening to anything. How dumb. 

I am aware of my very long absence from posting. It is good and bad at the same time. 

Good: I don't have to cram onto thinking ideas that will be turned into a blog post. (no one reads my posts anyway)

Bad: a good way to vent out my feelings had been taken away. The past months had tested me so much and it is a good thing that I still haven't done something too insane. 

Now, I am standing between the line of being okay and being not okay. 

There's  a greater chance that I'll fall into the side of being not okay. 

The past months were some of the greatest months I've had. 

However, things happened and up until now, it whispers behind my ears. 

I have met new friends and lost a few. 

I've had great experiences with the most wonderful people and had the worst, too. 

I am not writing this so you'll feel pity towards me. I do not care about what you think at all. 

Everything is subjective.

Stop relying on the standards in order to point out what a person's feelings are.

Tears had been a normal thing lately. 

Sadness had been a normal thing lately. 

Stress had been a normal thing lately. 

Depression had been a normal thing lately. 

Solitude has become more frequent lately. 

Bewilderment has become more frequent, too. 

I am torn. So torn.

I still wonder how I'm surviving until now, with all the things that are happening to me. 

Sleeping is not a thing for me anymore. I start each day with only a few hours of rest.

Those precious few hours where I can lose myself in the vast blank space and everything will be forgotten even just for a while. If only I can stay in that space forever, with all the things I aspire and live in my dreams, I would. I would stay and never return this hell pit again. Never. 

Everything has been wearing me out and trust me, there are only less than 3-5 persons whom I can tell everything to. I want to go farther on all these but I cannot. 

There are times wherein you meet people and think they will be there until the end. No, you're wrong. That's just an ideal situation you've probably watched from cheesy movies and shows. No one will stay with you until the end - no matter how many times they've told you they will. We are finite, and so are the things around us. 

I am not bringing you down. 

Yourself - it is the only thing that will either heal your wounds or break you.

At the end of the day, it is the only thing that can save you.

Because when everything that has built you up suddenly starts falling down, you are left with yourself.

You have to stand  strong and deal with everything. 

Cliche as it may get but:

those are just bad experiences and you should try to look more into the good ones. 

even that hot of coffee you had to remove the coldness you feel.

even that smile from a stranger.

even that note you found on your table.

The best thing to be thankful for is you still got to open your eyelids and get the chance to see everything that is set for you to explore. You still have another day to make everything okay. 

Trust me, everything I am saying here is only a portion of what I'm doing. I, myself, can't still see the good bits in everything. I still choose to built holes within me and let every bad thing attach itself and destroy me.

Being okay is something I am working on. 

I hope I will be soon.

I am a walking disaster.

I will leave you devastated if ever I happen to be with you.

I am a walking disaster.

If only I can make myself disappear

to stop hurting

destroying

and making everything bad, 

I WILL. 

For you, this may seem another pointless rant of mine but for me it is different. 

Have you ever heard of a boy named Harry Styles? Okay, I think you're now saying to yourself that this is bullshit. No. 

What could have happened if he didn't had the guts to audition to X Factor? I bet he will be the boy who walks in the hallway with everyone's gaze on him. The boy who can sweep off a girl's feet. The boy who still works in the bakery. 

You may think that I only love him for he's part of the greatest boy band in the world. You're wrong. I'm in love with him - the true Harry Styles. I may not know him personally and he may not even know that I exist, I still believe that he's the type of person that I'm willing to spend forever with. Okay, this is insane, I know. But just think. 

For me, he's the type of best friend who will always be there for you. The one who will throw stones on your window in the middle of the night when he hears that you're not okay. The one who will give up the rest of the day just to be under the covers with you and watch movies. The one who will make you show the real you. The one who will boost your confidence and will never judge you. The one who will stare into your eyes and hold you tight just to make everything okay. The one who will bring out the best in you. The one will be beside you during your darkest days. The one who will take care of your children and grandchildren. The one who will hold you tight when you think that everything is too much. The one who gives you piggy back rides. The one who will dance with you in the middle of the pouring rain. The one whom you can do whatever possible reckless thing to do. The one who will sing to you until you fall asleep. The one who is willing to take silly photos with you. 

The one who will keep you awake late at night because he won't leave your mind.

And that is what I'm feeling right now. Everytime I see a photo of him, my stomach twists into knots. My mind goes into circles. My heart races, making it hard to breathe.